for-boden

Now seems to be the season for all the unsolicited bland clothing Catalogues to come pouring through my letterbox. I know Boden and Land’s End have just adopted an extremely aggressive marketing campaign but why me??? What have I ever done to make them think I would be even remotely interested in their dull merchandise? I don’t even buy from la Redoute so why should I even consider the aforementioned? I am not breastfeeding children under 5, I do not live in the country, am not a member of the NCT, National trust or the Green Party, nor do I holiday at Landmark Trust or Centreparcs. I don’t drive a Volvo, make my own bread or have chickens in my garden…..I don’t want to look like a Land Girl and Mumsy is not an image I aspire to so why keep sending me the comic? I have never bought from them so should my age dictate that this is the season to start! Do they market by age or postcode, or have they bought my details from one of those infuriating on-line insurance price comparison websites? Compare the mere-mortals.com!

Do I look like I want to max out the recession in such depressing clothes? I know the sales of confectionary rockets during times of stress as we eat our way through the mediocrity and this inevitably takes its toll on our backside, wahey, we turn into a Sarah Brown look-alike overnight. Not for me the shapeless sacks and woven brown wool tights. Bring on the lycra mini dresses and shame my bikini belly into submission, it you’ve got it flaunt it and with a bit of luck it may go away, certainly don’t hide it under reams of lacklustre brown polyester because you can bet your bottom (and yes I do mean literally bottom) dollar it will still be there, present and correct, with interest, come the summer. Draped dresses are only ever good if they are from the Rick Owens and All Saints stable and even then they have to be sexed up with the addition of funky leggings, fabby boots and accessories to die for.

The summer collections are even more scary, not sure which fashion trend to back they, seem to have burst into colour and taken a pot shot at the lot, and, well why not try and incorporate them all into one garment. Statement prints, guaranteed to disguise the infant vomit on your shoulder, shapeless styling and crinkled linen all the better for that “comfy” look. In actuality I have never found linen a wearer friendly fabric, its drape has a mind of its own, and should only be made into men’s summer shirts; which is what it does best.

Cheerful they may be but cheap not, I find this exploitative element the hardest to stomach, it isn’t easy to do a quality shop with tiny infants and on-line is easier but this convenience comes at quite a price, especially when everyone at tumble Tots knows exactly the value of your clothing allowance. There is a range called a “fun dress” as un-entertaining as cleaning the u-bend and probably a lot less comfortable. Flicking through is like scanning an Early learning catalogue, the irony being in these troubled times where it appears normal to dress two year olds like pre-pubescent teenagers, ironically the mothers have to look like toddlers…….Patterned Wellies and flower printed cotton Macs, sensible flats and comfy cardies; functionality is the order of the day.

I don’t think so. I would really rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that look